Four Reasons To Sleep In

My job at Large Retail Store requires me to be awake at 5:15 am so that I can be there by 7 am to open the jewelry counter. Why on earth it is necessary for us to open at 7 is beyond me, since no one usually buys any jewelry until after 8:30. But, as I was saying, I have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn. Every morning, between 5:15 and 5:30, I lay in my bed and have the same existential argument with myself, in between hitting the snooze button and fighting off my cat who is walking on my face: Is it really worth it for me to get up and go to work? Does it really matter, in the long run? Is the universe going to fall apart if I go back to sleep instead of going to work? And why, in the name of all things holy, is it so bloody EARLY?!

When I was a little kid, I always woke up early (5 or 6 am) on my own. I had important stuff to do! There were cartoons to watch, Barbies to play with, and the streets and backyards of Sandston, VA to save with the group of invisible Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles who lived in my living room. As I got older, I eventually started sleeping in later and later each year. I am now a committed fan of sleeping in, and I find mornings (at least, mornings when I have to be awake to do something unpleasant, like go to work) to be decidedly NOT good. It’s not just the waking up early that sucks – I present to you my list of reasons why mornings can bite me:

1) Morning radio – My tolerance for stupidity is usually pretty low, but it is ESPECIALLY low at 6:00 in the morning. The morning zoo shows just do not appeal to me. I don’t want the latest celebrity gossip, I don’t want dumb jokes, and I definitely cannot handle any kind of political commentary from either side that early in the morning. Please just give me some tunes to listen to on my way to work.

2) Food is awful. I normally have a very happy and healthy relationship with food. But I have a REALLY hard time eating that early in the morning. Everything – even stuff I normally like – makes me want to throw up. It probably doesn’t help that I’m not much of a breakfast food fan anyway. Even bland stuff like cheerios is repulsive. Unfortunately, I have to eat something because my next chance for food isn’t until 9:00 or after.

3) Alarm clocks. Ok, so I pretty much hate all alarm clocks, but I take less issue with ones that play music than the ones that just have a buzzer. Buzzer alarm clocks are guaranteed to put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. But my husband’s alarm clock is by far the most evil thing in our apartment. My poor husband has a terrible time falling asleep at night and an even harder time waking up in the morning. He sleeps through normal alarms and he’s always been like that. So, in order to get to work on time, he bought an alarm clock called the “Sonic Bomb.” This contraption has a vibrating disc that you place under the mattress. The alarm sounds like some kind of air raid siren, and these combined measures are enough to give a Sheep in her REM-sleep cycle a heart attack. Sometimes my husband still manages to sleep through it.

4) Cold. You know how they say “the darkest hour is just before dawn”? Well, the coldest hour is also the hour just before dawn. I hate leaving my house before it’s light outside and when it’s cold and miserable out. Fortunately this is only an issue part of the year – otherwise, I’d have to move to Miami.

What are your pet peeves about mornings?


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