An Open Letter to the Fashion Industry

For some reason, I can never find clothing that fits me properly. I’m not sure why this is, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it’s because I have “curves.” No, I don’t mean “curves” like most women’s magazines do, where “curvy” is an adjective used to describe a lady of plus-size proportions. I mean curves in the traditional sense: the Marilyn Monroe, attractive female sense (though I am, by no means, comparing myself to Marilyn Monroe – I wouldn’t stand a chance). I am not horribly disfigured, with some sort of Siamese twin growing out of my waist or anything like that. I’m a relatively normal size: 5’5, about 130-140 lbs, and pear-shaped (hips are larger than the bust but with a small waist). Unfortunately, clothing designers, regardless of price range, seem to think that all women are SHAPED exactly the same, just in larger and smaller sizes. In order to correct this misguided view, I have written the following open letter to the fashion industry:

Dear fashion industry,
I am convinced that you are trying to put yourself out of business by making all women want to go naked. While mankind might rejoice over this development, womankind is not rejoicing. In fact, we are angry. We are organizing and we are plotting your overthrow. We are coming for you, in Paris, in Milan, in NYC, unless you answer this question and remedy the problem: Why don’t you make clothes that fit real people? Not all women are shaped like a stick, nor are we all shaped like a ball. Allow me to detail my own problems with your garments here:

Broad shoulders: I come from hearty Germanic and Irish stock. Ladies of these European tribes are not wimpy, waif-like creatures. They have broad shoulders, despite the rest of their body proportions. Your confounded baby-doll t-shirts are not suited for such sturdy shoulders; in order to get them to fit in the shoulders, they are typically 2 or 3 sizes too big everywhere else. In order to get a short-sleeve shirt that fits properly, we have to go to the men’s section, which essentially throws out any chance of having cute, girly designs on our summer shirts, unless they are sleeveless.

Small waist: PLEASE MAKE PANTS THAT DIFFERENTIATE BETWEEN HIP AND WAIST SIZE!!! I am so unbelievably tired of “pants gap.” Pants gap is far more frustrating and much more real than our supposed missile gap of the Cold War. When you put on a pair of pants, button and zip them, and then see that there is a 2-inch space between your waist and the back of the pants, you are experiencing pants gap. I cannot for the life of me determine why you think women are completely straight through the hip and waist area. The waist-to-hip ratio is one of the things that differentiates women from men. Please make the waists a little smaller so that I do not have to choose between pants that fit my waist or pants that fit my ass.

A confused ass: Allow me a little racism here for just a moment, would you? I am Caucasian – a white girl. Nowhere in my family (that I’m aware of) is there any African blood. There is one Native American man, four generations back on my dad’s side, but I’m not sure he counts for my purposes here. I have stick-straight blond hair, and if I so much as THINK about going to the beach without sunscreen, I turn lobster-red. So yeah… I’m pretty white. Except for my butt. The typical “white-girl” ass is small and kind of flat. The typical “black-girl” ass is larger and rounder (and generally sits higher on the legs). I have been told, on several occasions by several different people of both genders, both black and white, that I have a black-girl butt (though mine sits lower than most black girls). This makes life very hard when I try to buy pants. Not only do I have the pants gap issue, but I also have to try to find pants that are not made by FuBu or Apple Bottoms that fit me. Because let’s face it, if a girl as white as me wears a “black” brand like FuBu or Apple Bottoms, I’m probably going to get beat up, or at least made fun of. So.. how about some pants for white girls with a little ass on them, hmm?

Wide feet: I will admit, my feet are not exactly pretty. My husband makes fun of me for having duck feet and he’s right. They’re pretty wide. Regardless of the fact that I am a size 8 Wide, I do still have to dress up sometimes, and I would like to be able to wear something other than clunky black old lady shoes when I do so. I would also like to be able to buy my shoes at places other than Payless. While Payless usually has pretty decent shoes, they are only one store out of thousands in the United States that carry shoes. I would like to be able to shop at the other ones, but none of them seem to carry wide shoes. Going to the mall to find shoes is basically a waste of time, as none of the major department stores carry wide sizes. “You can order them through our catalog/online,” they say. Who the eff buys shoes without trying them on first? Why should I be punished because God blessed me with firm foundation? Make some wide shoes that are cute and fashionable, and PUT THEM IN THE STORES.

I think this covers all my current complaints with your industry thus far. If you could address these grievances, naked females across the United States promise not to come to your design houses and set them on fire.

One Sheep